WWE Raw Report
The Big News: Vince McMahon celebrated his 64th birthday by pinning Randy Orton.
The show started with Legacy backstage. They acknowledged that Brett DiBiase was the one who interfered at SummerSlam. Randy Orton said Brett was there as a fan and they didn’t know he was going to do that. Orton said that was intolerable and wouldn’t be excused. He promised Brett wouldn’t interfere again. Brett apologized for getting caught up in the moment. Cody Rhodes said Orton would have won anyway. I enjoyed this segment. I like when villains are booked so you think they acted in bad faith but can’t be certain, since that’s how it usually is in real life when someone does something wrong.
Vince McMahon then came out in front of the crowd. He said that the referee’s decision at SummerSlam was final that there would be an Orton-Cena rematch in three weeks at Breaking Point. He said that the main events will be submission matches, so they evidently have decided not to do submissions only for all matches. That’s a smart move. Vince said Orton-Cena must end with someone saying “I quit” and if anyone interferes for Orton he will be stripped of the title. Wait, doesn’t that negate the I Quit stipulation?
DX joined Vince. HHH said he doesn’t like good guy Vince. They said it was Vince’s birthday and that he turned 84. They then said 74, and finally Vince screamed that he’s 64. DX made fun of him for that. They then aired a tribute video, which started serious and turned into a comedy. They then brought out a big fake cake. Can you guess who ended up being in it?
The birthday celebrations continued with DX bringing out showgirls, Cirque du Soleil and a fake Elvis. They all sang “Happy Birthday.” Big Dick Johnson then came out of the cake and danced for Vince. Vince threw him out of the ring. DX was setting up to drop something from the ceiling on Vince when Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase attacked DX. DX fought them off. HHH said that Floyd Mayweather wasn’t there yet so he made Legacy vs. DX and Vince McMahon. Vince then said it would be no-DQ. Wait, so if the guest host isn’t there the wrestlers have free reign over their matches?
This opening segment went 23 minutes or so. It had its good moments and bad moments. I thought overall it was fine but it did drag at times. The one huge negative on this was the announcers’ incessant, really irritating fake laughter. The fake laughter is always annoying but it reached a level of grating here that I don’t think it ever has before. It’s hard to even explain how obnoxious it was if you weren’t watching, since I can’t think of an apt comparison point in any form of entertainment I’ve ever watched.
Miz beat Santino in a quick match. Santino did a bunch of wacky stuff. He did the splits, hit a zany chop and then missed a flying head butt. Miz gave him the skull crushing finale for the pin.
Rosa Mendes, Alicia Fox and Beth Phoenix beat Gail Kim, Kelly Kelly and Mickie James. This was advertised as a “Mayweather Melee” which meant the women had boxing themed outfits. The heels worked over Kelly for a few seconds. She tagged Mickie. Mickie came in with punches, a neck breaker and a Charlie Thesz press on Alicia. Alicia, however, sent her into the post and hit a sloppy scissors kick for the pin. They like to rotate the women regardless of talent, but I really hope this isn’t the beginning of a push for Alicia.
In a bizarre segment, DX was backstage and did a promo with loud inexplicable noise in the background. All it needed was flickering lights and it would have been Thunder. DX shouted over the background noise. Jillian Hall then did Marilyn Monroe for Vince. He ordered her out.
Big Show and Chris Jericho came out. Show said he wouldn’t leave until Floyd Mayweather came out. Yes, they booked him as a face again, completely having forgotten what happened the last time. Mayweather came out with his entourage to boos. Mayweather said he would beat up Show again but he has a pay-per-view bout that’s more important.
Jericho said Mayweather is a great self-promoter but not that good of a boxer. He said he thinks Juan Manuel Marquez will knock him out. MVP came out and put over Mayweather as his friend. He made fun of Show and Jericho and asked Mayweather to make MVP and a partner vs. Show and Jericho with MVP and partner getting a title shot at Breaking Point if they won. Why wouldn’t you just ask for the title shot straight up? What, is Mayweather going to say no to that? Mayweather agreed.
MVP and Mark Henry beat Big Show and Chris Jericho. Floyd Mayweather watched from ringside. The heels worked over MVP forever. Henry came in with clotheslines on Jericho. Jericho went for the code breaker which was reversed into a world’s strongest slam attempt which was reversed into a DDT. MVP tagged back in and hit balling, but Jericho gave him an enzuigiri. Henry knocked Show off the apron, Mayweather gave MVP the brass knuckles, and MVP nailed Jericho with them for the pin.
Hornswoggle beat Chavo Guerrero via DQ in a boxing match. Would anyone mind if I just stopped recapping these segments? I’m sure the commercials are significantly more entertaining. Chavo had to wear oversized gloves. “Entertainment at its greatest,” proclaimed Michael Cole. “Fuck off, Michael Cole,” proclaimed me. Chavo eventually took off his gloves and body slammed Hornswoggle for the DQ. Evan Bourne made the save and gave Chavo the shooting star press.
Vince warmed up backstage with Floyd Mayweather. Carlito came in and told Mayweather he wanted a rematch with Kofi Kingston. HHH alluded getting busy with Vince’s daughter so Vince knocked out Carlito for comedy.
DX and Vince McMahon beat Randy Orton, Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase. Legacy worked over HHH, who eventually tagged Michaels. Michaels came in with punches, an inverted atomic drop, a body slam and a top rope elbow on DiBiase. Rhodes then cut off Michaels and they worked over Michaels for a while. Michaels eventually tagged HHH, who came in with a high knee, face buster, spine buster and pedigree on Rhodes. HHH tagged Vince who covered, but Orton broke up the pin.
Orton went for the punt on Vince, but Michaels cut him off. Rhodes and DiBiase then vanished and Orton started leaving. John Cena came out to attack Orton. They went back to the ring where Michaels gave Orton sweet chin music and Cena gave him the FU. Vince then pinned Orton, despite the fact Orton clearly wasn’t the legal man.
I was fine with Vince pinning Cody Rhodes after HHH did all the damage. But I don’t know about Vince pinning your top heel and champion Randy Orton. It’s not like it’s a huge deal given the circumstances, but it’s still not something I’d even consider doing. And if it’s no big deal for Orton to be pinned like this, why not have a young star team with DX and get the pin? You know, someone who can make you money?
Raw was a bad show. Imagine!