WWE Raw Report
The Big News: I can’t recall an entertainment product this pathetically crafted to soothe the insecurities and neuroses of its creator since M. Night Shyamalan’s Lady in the Water.
Michael Cole and Jim Ross did commentary this week, since Jerry Lawler was wrestling in the main event. They announced a “capacity crowd” at the Staples Center, even though the entire gigantic top section was clearly blocked off. They had to use weird camera angles for crowd shots to try to cover for that.
They ran a long video package explaining Vince McMahon’s feud with the Denver Nuggets’ owner for the 100 percent of his audience that doesn’t give a shit. The fake Nuggets owner came out, and they then showed a fake David Stern, fake Jerry Buss and fake Jack Nicholson in the front row. I can’t even put into words how low rent this made WWE look.
The fake Nuggets owner talked about how he hates the WWE. Vince McMahon then came out and cut a long, unfunny, juvenile, idiotic and generally worthless promo on the guy. He shoved him down. Good for you, Vince. You sure showed them. And it was so entertaining for us, the WWE Universe. Thanks so much. I sure wish that UFC shows started with long skits featuring Dana White cutting promos on a fake Loretta Hunt.
Miz came out in a Cleveland Cavaliers jersey, and said that the Cavs will win the NBA title because LeBron James, like the Miz, is awesome. He said John Cena is a phony poser like Kobe Bryant. Cena finally came out, but Ted DiBiase and Cody Rhodes jumped him from behind. Batista, Big Show and Jerry Lawler joined the fracas. Cena and Batista cleared the ring.
Kelly Kelly beat Maryse via DQ. Maryse was announced as from Montreal, Ontario. I understand their sister city is New Orleans, Georgia. Maryse and Kelly brawled, and it went to the outside. Maryse threw Kelly on the announce table, and was disqualified for this.
How did this get approved? Shouldn’t someone in the writing room have pointed out that someone has been shoved onto the announce table 18,000 times over the history of Raw and it has never even been a DQ tease let alone a DQ? Is it so hard to come up with a different scenario for a DQ? Maryse hits Kelly with the title belt? Maryse refuses to break a choke hold at five? Maryse hits the referee? Someone interferes? Something? I mean, I know we WWE viewers are a dumb bunch, but surely a few of us have some semblance of memory and logic, right?
Fake Jack Nicholson was backstage. Despite looking absolutely nothing like the real Nicholson, he was mobbed by the moronic WWE performers. Hornswoggle, Goldust and the Bellas were so excited he was there. It ended with a moronic parody of A Few Good Men by Goldust. He’s doing the Tourette’s gimmick again. I really missed that one.
Ric Flair met with Batista backstage. Flair insisted that he was going to call out Randy Orton. Batista suggested Flair call out Orton after Batista destroys Orton in the cage match. I took this as a clear heel tease, because the sentiment was so condescending. Batista didn’t deliver this in a condescending manner, however.
Kofi Kingston beat Matt Hardy and William Regal in a triple threat match to earn a United States title shot. Regal hit Kofi with knees and European uppercuts. Kofi did a cool spot where he bounced off the ropes via his head. He went for a high double leg drop but Matt tripped him up. Kofi hit a missile dropkick on Regal and high double leg drop on Matt. Regal used an exploder on Kofi and Matt used a side effect on Regal. Kofi then nailed Regal with trouble in paradise. Matt went to hit Kofi with the cast but Kofi caught him with trouble in paradise as well to secure the pin.
Flair called out Orton. Orton said that he could beat up Flair, but that he wouldn’t lower himself to beating up a 60-year-old like Chris Jericho did. Flair started screaming at him. Orton said it is all over for Flair. Flair slapped Orton. Orton then beat up Flair until Batista made the save and Orton bailed. Batista held Flair back. This was a good angle. Mr. Kennedy then came out and said he would be the mystery partner in the 10 man tag main event. I’m not sure why he did that at this point in the show.
Santino and Mickie James beat Beth Phoenix and Chavo Guerrero. The heels worked over Santino, and Santino ran away from Beth. Mickie came in with dropkicks to Beth. Beth went after Santino and Mickie used a crucifix cradle on her for the pin. Santino got to pick a match between Santina and Vickie at Extreme Rules. Vickie said she wasn’t worried because Chavo would be in her corner. Santino was given some awful comedy material that died a horrible death with the audience and announced a hog pen match.
Big Show and Miz met backstage. Show said that he doesn’t like the Miz, that nobody likes the Miz, and that Miz won’t get the pin on John Cena because he is going to make Cena tap out. Good luck on that one, buddy.
Goldust and Hornswoggle beat Festus and The Brian Kendrick. Festus wouldn’t attack Hornswoggle so Kendrick tagged in and beat up Hornswoggle. Goldust tagged in and hit an inverted atomic drop and lariat. Kendrick wanted the tag but Festus refused. Goldust gave Kendrick a power slam, Hornswoggle gave him the frog splash and Goldust hit the final cut for the pin. Goldust looked good here. Kendrick was going to punish Festus with a chair after but Primo Colon rang a bell.
Mr. Kennedy, MVP, Jerry Lawler, Batista and John Cena beat Big Show, Randy Orton, Cody Rhodes, Ted DiBiase and the Miz. The heels worked over MVP. He got the tag to Kennedy, who got in a little offense but then got worked over himself. He eventually tagged Cena. Cena tagged MVP and they did balling and you can’t see me together. MVP hit the playmaker on Rhodes for the win. It was smart to give the pin to someone who can use it more. After the finish there was a series where everyone gave each other finishers. It culminated with a Cena and Batista double team suplex on Show.
Hey Vince, you know how you want higher ad rates? Know how it drives you nuts that advertisers think your audience has no education level and no disposable income? Well, it’s not because of blood or T&A. Those things didn’t sink The Sopranos. No, in fact, the problem is nonsense like you’ve pulled this week and on this show. You’re 63 years old. Grow up. Mature adults don’t want to be associated with this idiocy.
The interview I referred to last week with Alex Reimer is actually available here:
Sorry for the wrong link last week. Also, here is the second piece in my UFC retrospective series. It focuses on the dark days of UFC and features thoughts from Jens Pulver, Pat Miletich and Kevin Randleman.