Monday, July 03, 2006

Raw Report

Date: 07/03/06 from Philadelphia, PA.

The Big News: Edge is the new WWE champion following a good main event. And otherwise, this show really, really sucked.

Title Changes/Turns: See above.

Match Results: Lita b Torrie Wilson; Spirit Squad b Viscera, Val Venis, Gene Snitsky, Eugene Dinsmore & Hacksaw Jim Duggan; Highlanders b Rob Conway & Matt Striker; Carlito Caribbean Cool b Johnny Nitro-DQ; Umaga b Scott Wright; Edge b John Cena and Rob Van Dam.

Show Analysis:

DX arrived at the building to start the show, but were greeted by Coach and security. Coach said if they read, they would know they were banned from the building. HHH said he doesn’t know how to turn on a computer. There was a time when that line seemed cool to some people, but now it makes you sound so old and out of touch. Speaking of out of touch, Shawn Michaels proceeded to do an impression of Sean Penn in Fast Times at Ridgemont High, which by the way was released when I was one year old.

Edge and Lita came out. Edge said he would win the WWE Title on the ECW show. He ripped on the Eagles and Phillies and compared himself to Terrell Owens, which didn’t get that much heat. Perhaps it was just such obvious cheap heel heat that it doesn’t strike a nerve. He was going to announce his partner, but John Cena came out and immediately fought Edge. Rob Van Dam then entered, and delivered one of his crappy WWE scripted promos. He said he’s a fighting champion, and suggested they have their Saturday Night’s Main Event three-way on Raw. All parties agreed on this. Backstage, Vince McMahon arrived and was assured by Coach that DX left.
Lita beat Torrie Wilson. She controlled the match with a suplex, side Russian leg sweep, choke and punches. Torrie came back with a slap, clotheslines, a drop kick and an avalanche to the corner. She went for the stink face, but they did a contrived spot where the referee ended up receiving it and Lita hit the DDT for the pin. Backstage, Vince McMahon was annoyed that the scene was like a ghost town, and Coach said a lot of people were taking the holiday weekend off.

Spirit Squad beat Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Eugene, Val Venis, Viscera and Gene Snitsky. The heels worked over Eugene, who made the hot tag to Snitsky. Snitsky’s face comeback is something to behold, as a perverse comedic spectacle. Squad quickly gained back the advantage, knocked everyone else out of the ring, and beat Snitsky with an impressive tandem top rope leg drop and senton bomb. DX was having a BBQ in the parking lot. HHH distracted Shawn Michaels, and then had some women take their tops off.

The Highlanders beat Rob Conway and Matt Striker. The Highlanders slapped each other and used a lot of head butts. It’s a pretty amusing gimmick. Striker abandoned Conway, concluding that he is smart and the Highlanders are crazy. The Highlanders won with the “Scot Drop,” which is a double fireman carry where they drop the opponent straight down. In the parking lot, Candice and HHH did a “comedy” vignette where they were supposedly talking while receiving oral sex from a pair of women. The only problem was the camera angle made it abundantly clear that they weren’t getting head, which just made the segment weird.

Shawn Michaels and HHH entered the production truck. They screwed with the picture. Vince McMahon went into the bathroom, so they showed him urinating. They cut to people in the crowd, who registered absolutely no amusement at this whatsoever. Coach came in to warn Vince he was on television, and got urinated upon. Vince then went out in front of the crowd, but DX screwed with his microphone, giving him a high voice and then a low voice. They drew “I love cocks on the screen.”

Coach tried to get them thrown out of the truck unsuccessfully. Vince McMahon made Squad vs. DX in an elimination match for Saturday Night’s Main Event. DX played canned laughter and crickets, and then “Stand Back” as he left. This was awful, and it went on for what seemed to be around 14 hours. I started screaming at my television for this segment to end. This was as tortuous as anything I’ve ever seen on television. It wasn’t remotely funny, and it went on forever. This is as bad as wrestling will ever get. A true -***** segment. It drained my will to live.

Carlito beat Johnny Nitro via DQ. I was still recovering from the previous segment. Carlito hit a huracanrana and Nitro did some break dancing into a leg drop. Carlito hit the back cracker, but Melina interfered for the DQ. Trish Stratus made the save and kicked Melina to the floor. “DX” was playing around in the production truck, and showing replays of bra and panty shots. They are quite proficient in production for complete amateurs. Backstage, Rob Van Dam again assured Paul Heyman that everything would be fine.

They did the first diva search segment. I’m already ready for that to be over. Vince McMahon told Coach that he was leaving the building. Umaga beat Scott Wright with the Samoan spike. Armando’s promo was interfered with before the match by DX, who advertised a t-shirt. After the match, Armando was again interrupted, by belching. Vince then got in a limo, and fireworks went off. Vince McMahon left the limo covered in green paint. DX wished him a happy fourth and said maybe next week he will let them in. Randy Orton came out and said Brooke Hogan is hot.

Edge won the WWE Title, defeating John Cena and RVD. RVD and Cena took turns on Edge early. Edge went for the cover with his feet on the ropes. RVD hit a moonsault on Edge for the near fall. Cena threw Edge into the steps. He went for the FU on RVD but RVD escaped. Cena went for a suplex on Edge, but RVD hit a crossbody off the top knocking Edge down for a face first bump. Cena hit the five knuckle shuffle on Edge and went for the FU but just threw him to the outside. Lita came in and got the FU. RVD hit the Van Daminator on Cena, but missed the five star. Cena hit the FU, but Edge hit him from behind and covered RVD for the pin.

Final Thoughts:

I hated this show so much I don’t even know how to communicate it. It made me want to scream. This DX stuff must end immediately.


Anonymous Dan Wahlers said...

I always respect your opinions Todd, but I have to disagree with you about the DX segments tonight. I think you are making them out to be way worse than they really were. They went overboard with all the comedy skits, like they did last week. But some of it was actually funny in my opinion. You have to have a sense of humor. Everything isn't always supposed to be straightforward and serious. That kind of wrestling show would be boring to me.

They can keep the toilet humor, with the farting, the burping, and all that nonsense. That's meant for 6 year olds. The "oral sex" stuff had no place on the show either. Them screwing around with the Vince's modulation on the mic was funny though, as he went from Alvin and The Chipmunks to Darth Vader. I got a kick out of the canned laughter and the crickets. Vince's reaction to the fireworks going off in his limo was priceless as well. It was campy, goofy, but harmless.

You made it out like this segment is up there with HHH humping the mannequin in the casket, and Mae Young giving birth to a hand, and Vince doing a beyond tasteless, horrendous skit making fun of Jim Ross' real life cancer scare, and the long line of horrible skits in WWE history. The DX stuff tonight doesn't belong ranked with that type of garbage.

It might not have been your type of humor, and some of it wasn't mine either. But I laughed at some of it, and so did other people I've talked to about the show, and other reports I've read on the show. Yours was the only one I've seen that was 100% negative on it.

I generally enjoy reading your reports every week, and usually agree with you more times than not. But with respect, I think your anger about the DX stuff tonight is misplaced. To each his own. I just wanted to share another perspective with you. Keep up the good work!

1:12 AM  
Anonymous Charlie Kane said...

The DX stuff is insufferable, even for something as meaningless as a sports entertainment show. It deadens the pace ( these bits go on, in the words of Monsoon, literally forever )and for the life of me I still can't see the appeal of watching two smirking pricks re-enact the worst parts of some mid-80's frat house movie. But seeing as how this show is beyond help--really, who or what is coming around the bend which could pop any excitement at all, as every angle, every character, ever scenario is so boring that I can't imagine ever really watching this show outside of anything beyond my own personal boredom? As it is, I have pretty much tuned out, I only checked back to see if Edge would get the belt back, as it was fairly clear that RVD was about to be punished. It's the smart move, although another three months of Edge/Cena with literally no other contender (until Hunter gets restless) for the title will just about dry up any interest in the belt for another five years.
I've read Dan's stuff on the Meltzer page, and he seems to be a nice enough fellow, but christ, if you found that DX stuff to be in the least bit 'funny', you may want to lay off the ether mask in between Diva segments. A terrible show which keeps getting worse; my recommendation to all is to move on with their lives.

4:33 AM  
Anonymous WWESUX said...

REMEMBER FOLKS THIS ISN'T 1997, so of course this new dx isn't entertaining....unless you are a teenager

6:16 AM  
Anonymous josh amendment said...

I hope I never get stuck in an elevator with someone who enjoys DX.

7:10 AM  
Blogger 17Haze said...

Come on guys I think everybody on this page is taking pro wrestling a little too seriously. I've been watching wrestling for 15 years and I'll admit the WWE right now is not the best its been, but come on the DX stuff hasn't been that bad. The only complaint I have is that it has ran a little long in some of the segments.

Like Dan said do you guys not remember Mae Young giving birth to a hand, HHH humping a mannequin and Kaientai chopping of Val Venis' penis.

This stuff isn't nearly at that level. If you all here don't like that stuff you need to just watch TNA every week and get your hardcore wrestling, which I like as well. But by now I know what the WWE is. Its a different animal than what it has been but I'll always be a fan no matter what. A majority of the comedy they do isn't meant to be taken that seriously anyways.

I've learned to take the WWE for what its worth and not get mad about the product and just try to enjoy it. Besides I've got enough to get angry about being a season ticket holder to my beloved Kansas City Royals.

9:38 AM  
Blogger nevs999 said...

"Who writes this feces?"

At least that was funny.

- Matt in Anchorage

2:34 PM  
Blogger Todd Martin said...

I don't know how much it says that there have been dumber vignettes in wrestling history. I mean, there has been a lot of dumb stuff in wrestling over the years. That doesn't make this any better. And my problem with the segment wasn't any individual joke. The dumping of the shit last week was worse than any individual thing that happened this week. It's just that this week was a seemingly unending series of stupid non-comedy that dragged on and on and on. If they had the same commitment to wrestling or just telling long term stories that they have for adolescent humor, they might be able to turn the product around.

7:57 PM  
Anonymous MAZ said...

For the second week in a row, I missed RAW and for the second consecutive week I can honestly say that from reading Todd's report that I missed absolutely nothing. I believe that I will begin to officially boycott WWE.

9:08 PM  

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