Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Raw Report

Date: 11/06/06 from Columbus, OH.

The Big News: It was a banner evening for Raw, as the “creative” team once again proved themselves to be out-of-touch imbeciles of the highest order. Hey, considering this show amounted to an ad hominem attack on the viewer for watching, it’s only fair they have that rudeness returned in kind.

Title Changes/Turns: Johnny Nitro is the Intercontinental champion, and Eugene is a bad guy.

Match Results: Johnny Nitro b Jeff Hardy; Johnny Jeter & Kenny Doane b Eugene Dinsmore & Hacksaw Jim Duggan; Umaga NC Maria; Chris Masters b Jerry Lawler; Carlito Caribbean Cool b Shelton Benjamin; Lita b Mickie James; Ric Flair & Roddy Piper b Randy Orton & Edge.

Show Analysis:

Randy Orton and Edge came out to start the show. Edge put over Lita’s title win and their victory over DX, and said that DX wouldn’t be on the show. Orton said that is the people’s fault, and brought out Bischoff. Bischoff said thanks to him, DX suffered their first loss. I guess they meant their first tag team pinfall or submission loss in 2006, which is quite the series of caveats. In any event, Bischoff thanked Vince McMahon, and said he was made GM for the night. Hooray. Another heel GM show. That isn’t a tired idea. The only thing that can make that even better is every match ending with some sort of bullshit finish.

Bischoff said that John Cena had the night off, and DX was banned from the building. He announced Johnny Nitro vs. Jeff Hardy for the Intercontinental Title. At that point, Ric Flair and Roddy Piper came out. Flair brought up his history with Bischoff. Piper said that Edge stole the Cutting Edge from Piper. He added that at least he rips off well, while Orton can’t even rip off his father right. Piper said he didn’t want to hear any more from them. Piper was really good here. Of course this led to a tag match being made, no-DQ and for the tag team titles.

Johnny Nitro beat Jeff Hardy to win the Intercontinental Title. This was actually their second match of the night. In the first, Melina interfered twice early on and was disqualified. Bischoff came out and ordered a no-DQ rematch. Hardy hit a jaw breaker, but Nitro responded with a springboard kick and they collided with simultaneous crossbody attempts. Hardy hit a mule kick and brainbuster into a Michinoku driver. He hit whisper in the wind, but Nitro kicked out of a pinning attempt. Melina interfered, and the distraction allowed Nitro to crotch Hardy and hit him with the title belt for the pin. This was a bullshit way to change a title.

An advertisement ran for Kurt Angle here, and it’s good for TNA that they are getting those things through. I would imagine that fans watching Raw who see Kurt Angle advertised on TNA are apt to tune in to see him. Eric Bischoff backstage made a match with Hacksaw Jim Duggan and Eugene against the Spirit Squad, where the losers can never wrestle as a tag team again. Maria entered Bischoff’s office, and they brought up how she testified at his trial when he was fired. Bischoff made Maria vs. Umaga. It was a nice touch to tie in their past. Kevin Federline appeared on video, and challenged John Cena to a match in Miami on New Year’s Day.

Eugene and Hacksaw Jim Duggan beat Johnny and Kenny. See, Kenny and Johnny are teasing a break-up. Thus, the logical expectation would be that they lose and are forced to split up. But since that is the expectation, there must be a SWERVE. It would be unpredictable were not there a swerve in every instance like this. And we got the bullshit interference finish on top of that. Duggan went for the three point stance, was distracted by the other members of the Squad, and rolled up. Eugene snapped and jumped Duggan from behind with the 2x4 after the match. So he’s going from Dave Sullivan to the Equalizer. The problem is nobody is going to take him seriously as a menace, and they would be much better off having him renounce the gimmick and become Nick Dinsmore again.

Next up was among the most illogical segments I have ever seen in professional wrestling. Just bewildering, astonishing, stupefying incompetence. So Maria was led out for her “match” with Umaga by Coach, and Coach even shoved Maria into Umaga. Umaga stared at her menacingly for a while. He grabs her and lifts her into the air and holds her there, yelling things menacingly. He then lifts her over his head and drops her hard with a Samoan drop. He towers over shouting things while the announcers talk about how horrible he is. He slowly carries her over to the corner, and then backs away. He makes awful faces while the announcers talk about how he couldn’t possibly run into the corner with the butt drop. That’s exactly what he does. At this point Armando makes the signal for the Samoan spike.

After all of this, they play John Cena’s music and he finally runs in. Says Jim Ross, “Cena’s seen enough.” So, apparently Cena was sitting backstage, watching as Umaga slowly picks apart and destroys a woman he outweighs by hundreds of pounds. He gives her the Samoan drop. He gives her his butt drop. And finally, he teases that he will use the Samoan spike. It was then, and only then, that Cena said, “by God, that’s too much. The Samoan drop on Maria was fine. The butt drop was cool. But the Samoan spike would just be too much.” This is the logic we’re dealing with here. This show is written by IDIOTS.

But we’re not done yet. The interviewer comes out and has a question for Cena. His question was why Cena was out there. So little Maria is getting destroyed by a 300 pound Samoan savage who if this were real would probably have killed her. Nobody comes to her aid. Cena only comes out after he has attacked her multiple times. And the question on the interviewer’s mind is why he came out there. That’s a hell of a question. So, what’s Cena’s response? Why, that’s the best part of all.

Cena decides to cut a COMEDY promo. Yes. Seriously. As Maria is being carried to the back, presumably suffering a broken back or broken neck, Cena stands in the ring and tells jokes about the interviewer. This is your hero. He waits to save her, and then before making sure she is okay, decides it is time for comedy hour. Apparently there must be comedy in every Cena promo. Requisite comedy out of the way, he goes back to a serious promo. He tells Bischoff to back off and says the next time Umaga wants to beat up someone, he can come after Cena. He also accepted K-Fed’s challenge. And then out of the blue he gives the interviewer an FU. This is the shit that they are putting on television today, ladies and gentlemen.

Backstage, Bischoff and Lita were chatting. Bischoff talked about being happy that there was no DX on the show, and since everything’s a swerve, of course that meant they would be showing up in the main event. Lita had some controversial idea for Bischoff in her match with Mickie James. Finally, Bischoff made himself the special referee for the main event. Elsewhere, Carlito and Torrie were backstage. Shelton Benjamin said Carlito wasted the fans’ vote at Cyber Sunday. Benjamin said he would have done better, and challenged Carlito to a match. Benjamin said he didn’t get the votes last night because he’s black. Carlito pointed out he’s a Puerto Rican, and called Benjamin bendejo. Benjamin cut a promo about black men all over the world looking up to him. I was half expecting it to end with “Scorpio Sky Bum Ba Ye” but instead it ended with Ron Simmons saying “damn.”

Chris Masters was in the ring, and Bischoff ordered Jim Ross in the ring with Masters. Jerry Lawler challenged Bischoff instead, so Bischoff told him to wrestle Masters. And because a young muscular heel can’t beat a 50 year old announcer, he said that Lawler would have to wrestle with one hand handcuffed to the top rope. Of course Masters put him the Masterlock for the win. No bullshit finish in this one, just a bullshit stipulation that made the match inconsequential.

Carlito beat Shelton Benjamin. Cryme Tyme did commentary. When Benjamin was in control, Cryme Tyme stole Benjamin’s chain and glasses. Of course, that distracted Benjamin, and Carlito gave him the back cracker from behind for the pin. You’ve got to love those bullshit finishes. God bless WWE. I love sports, but when I watch UFC or the NFL or the NBA, I find myself wishing more games or fights ended with someone distracted a competitor and causing him or his team to lose.

Lita beat Mickie James. The stipulation was that Mickie had to wrestle with one arm tied behind her back. One might argue it’s pretty lazy and uncreative to use the same stipulation in two of three matches, but they would be wrong. There is, after all, a pronounced difference between your hand being tied behind your back and your hand being tied to the top rope. Lita won with the DDT. So we got bullshit stipulation making the match inconsequential number two here.

Raw concluded with another home run, as flabby 57 year old Ric Flair and out-of-shape 52 year old Roddy Piper defeated Edge and Randy Orton. Don’t worry. See, it would be bad if Edge, the hottest act in WWE this year, were putting over old men with no physical credibility. But he wasn’t. No, he just lost a WWE match to them, and we all know that WWE match results are completely irrelevant. And so of course, WWE delivered on a stellar 100 percent bullshit evening, with every match concluding with some sort of nonsense to where nothing was accomplished. After a ref bump, DX ran in and gave Orton sweet chin music. They put Flair on top of Orton for the pin.

But this fine evening of entertainment would not be complete without the perfect capper for young men: fat male strippers. Yes, indeed. It doesn’t get any better than that. So DX brought out the fat male stripper, and they danced around. He took off his clothes and danced around in his thong, and DX shoved Bischoff’s head in the stripper’s ass. Therein answering one of life’s great questions: what could be better than fat male strippers? Why, men shoving other men’s heads into the asses of fat male strippers. Now that is entertainment. Don’t give me that athletic competition bullshit. I want zany comedy with homosexual undertones.

Final Thoughts:

This show was an atrocious, indefensible mess. It’s like they are begging viewers to give up on the product forever. And it would almost be better if that were the goal, because at least then they wouldn’t be failing at absolutely everything they set out to do.

2 Comments:

Anonymous tyson said...

I like that their giving a shitty send off to the whore. I like that edge isn't being rewarded for stabbing his friend in the back. I like that Randy Orton isn't being glorified for using cocaine. I like that WWE is turning away from the 18-34 demographic and letting the fans see where the true "wrestling" is in this country (ROH/TNA). I don't like Roddy Piper telling the world him and Flair used cocaine (with his tongue in cheek nose rub) although I'm sure there are many that already knew. Would this not be a perfect time to send out Dusty to screw these guys outta the belts and bring Harley Race into the mix? An NWA legends reunion that's the ticket. I mean, how else were they gonna sell Pipers DVD?

9:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

todd-you are the best writer covering wrestling today. period.

7:55 PM  

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