Monday, March 13, 2006

Raw Report - See if you can catch all the obscure jokes

WWE Raw Report

Date: 03/13/06 from Beaumont, TX.

The Big News: If you’re into toilet humor, you’re in the right place.

Title Changes/Turns: Mickie James is set to turn heel Saturday Night.

Match Results: Trish Stratus b Victoria; Edge b Goldust; Cage Match: Kenny Doane, Johnny Jeter, Mikey Mondo & Nicky Nemeth b Shawn Michaels; Shelton Benjamin b Rob Van Dam; John Cena, Big Show & Kane b Triple H, Chris Masters & Carlito Caribbean Cool-DQ.

Show Analysis:

The show started with Vince McMahon, Shane McMahon and a doctor. Vince bragged about last week. He said after the match Shawn Michaels was disoriented and slurring his words, so Shawn must have been on drugs. He said Shawn would have to submit to a public urination test. They had curtains set up for Shawn, and it didn’t appear there was any room for Howard Finkel to hide in there. Vince said there could be no other explanation for Shawn’s behavior, and Shane called Shawn a liar, hypocrite and junkie. This was so incredibly illogical given Shawn was drugged on national television last week. They can’t even play the Russo game where the cameras are invisible, because the announcers acknowledged it as well.

Shawn came out anyway, and went into the booth for observed urination by the doctor. You knew something was up when rather than filling a small vial, Shawn supposedly urinated into a gigantic measuring cup which he filled up like he was Andre the Giant. He still ain’t got shit on Tim Sylvia. Vince sarcastically implored kids not to use drugs while Shawn did this. After Shawn filled up the cup like a good horse, the doctor proceeded to stick an apparatus in the “urine” and stare at it, as if it would turn blue or red like a pregnancy test. This was one of the most unintentionally hilarious moments in wrestling in a while.

After Vince and Shane continued to berate Shawn, Shawn said it is better to be pissed off than pissed on, and proceeded to hurl the “urine” at the McMahons. Jerry Lawler suggested after the break (no doubt at the behest of McMahon, who has an unexplainable fascination with toilet humor) that this was one of the “greatest moments in the history of Raw.” Yeah, and Bush is one of the greatest presidents in the history of the United States. A furious Vince backstage made Shawn Michaels vs. the Spirit Squad in a Texas Tornado steel cage match. Now that is straight out of the Vince Russo playbook. Kill off stipulations by booking them in completely forgettable and irrelevant matches. Maybe Carlito can wrestle Rob Van Dam in a Hell in a Cell barbed wire match next week.

Let’s see. This segment saw Vince McMahon make light of very serious problems that have led to the premature deaths of many of his performers. It saw him further make drug testing seem like a joke just two weeks after they announced a drug testing policy. As if that weren’t enough, the segment made absolutely no logical sense and went on forever. And the payoff was urine dousing being used to get heat for a wrestling match. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a candidate for worst Raw opening in history.

Trish Stratus beat Victoria in a really good brief match. It is so nice to see WWE women’s matches with women that can actually wrestle, and Trish in particular seemed motivated to do something with the opportunity. She hit the Charlie Thesz press, but Victoria threw her off and they traded strikes. Victoria used the firewoman carry into a spinning side slam. Victoria twice applied the hangwoman by Trish’s hair. Trish came back with the spinning head scissors and the women hit simultaneous clotheslines.

They traded punches, and Trish went for the top rope reverse huracanrana. Victoria stopped that, but was caught with the whirly bird and the spine buster for a near fall. Trish went for the Stratusfaction but Candice distracted her. Victoria set up for the Widow’s Peak, but Torrie ran in with the XX-Factor (no typo there). Trish hit the chick kick for the pin. Victoria wanted to say something after the match but the mic wouldn’t work and they immediately cut to a commercial. Conspiracy! She was going to pull a Koji Kitao! Scandal!

Err, maybe not. After the break it was revealed that Victoria simply wanted to promise vengeance. Cowboy Troy then came out. I thought for a second it was D’Lo Brown doing a Trevor Murdoch impression. I swear to God. I was wondering what led to them making amends with him, and who would team with Taiyo Kea. Anyway, this guy came down to commentate, and they put him over like he was William Shatner. They aired a faux preview package, labeling Mick Foley overrated and showing him getting beat up at WrestleMania.

Edge beat Goldust. Goldust didn’t get an introduction, which is weird given his entrance is pretty much all he has going for him in 2006. This match was an excuse for the black Bill Watts to advertise something. I kind of tuned him out, but I think he was talking about who Jerry Jones is going to sign this offseason. It’s like they’re back on the Nashville Network again. Goldust hit an inverted atomic drop, a clothesline and punches. He set up shattered dreams but was distracted like an idiot by Lita and Edge hit the spear for the pin. They aired another trailer after the match, this time extolling the virtues of Edge. Edge said Foley would be his guest on a Saturday Night’s Main Event Cutting Edge.

Trish and Maria backstage did a vignette designed simply to plug a workout machine. This was as subtle as those Ultimate Fighter Xyience ads. “Yes, let us all drink Xyience. Xyience for all. We love Xyience.” Afterwards, Trish stumbled upon Torrie Wilson laid out with a Candice Michelle Playboy cover on top of her. They announced Ted DiBiase will induct Sherri Martel at WrestleMania. Nice call, John. The new inductee is Verne Gagne, which is quite the interesting inductee. And he apparently will be there. This induction ceremony just gets better. It is very interesting that they would want to “save” Dusty Rhodes for next year, but Verne Gagne is acceptable as a kind of afterthought this year. Greg will induct him. Thank God Verne hasn’t been brought onto the booking team, or Greg would probably be wrestling on Raw.

John Cena and Jesus did a contract signing. Jesus loves those contract signings. Jesus played the calm, cocky heel while Cena was angry with something to prove. Those roles would be fine, except for the fact Cena is already the champion, and he’s going to lose. Jesus sarcastically put over Cena getting up Big Show for the FU. He said his strength won’t help one bit at WrestleMania. He said the contract signing, Cena’s stare and the match are all just formalities before Jesus gets his belt back. Geez, next week he’ll flat out say John Cena can’t wrestle. Oh wait.

The crowd chanted for Cena, and Jesus laughed and mockingly said that wouldn’t help either. After Cena signed, Jesus said he didn’t need to turn over the table and attack Cena with a sledge hammer, because he doesn’t need any advantages to beat Cena. Cena threatened to shove the hammer up Jesus’ ass when Kane and Big Show came to the ring. Jesus went under the table and did have a sledgehammer. As Kane and Show were coming to the ring, Masters and Carlito jumped them from behind and they did a pull apart. Vince made a six man tag for later in the show.

Jesus continues to bury Cena underground. The sad thing is that as much damage as this feud is doing to Cena, it also hurts the significance of Jesus’ title win when he figuratively castrates the guy he will beat before the match. One fun thing to see will be how long Jesus has a new belt after his win. Edge had to wear Cena’s belt for a number of weeks, but I am betting Jesus will have a new belt the very next night on Raw after WrestleMania.

The Spirit Squad beat Shawn Michaels in the cage match. Michaels tried to fight off the Squad as they climbed into the ring, which was a cool visual. They ended up beating him down, throwing him into the cage, and they did a couple spots where they set up a pyramid for a running elbow into the corner. It was cool, but not as cool as the trampoline. Bring back the trampoline! Anyway, they missed the second of those, and Michaels destroyed them all. Kenny missed the leg drop off the top rope and Michaels just beat one after the other with inverted atomic drops, punches, DDTs and slams. He hit the elbow off the top.

Michaels was going to leave, but Mitch tried to stop him. He used the cage door to knock Mitch out of the way, but Shane slammed the cage door on Michaels’ head and put one of the Squad on top of Michaels for the pin. The cage door slam finish is so overdone that it is for me a parody comedy spot. Just in case you had any doubt, this match made it clear for you slow folks: Spirit Squad are jobbers. Shane pranced around, threw Michaels into the cage, and bloodied Michaels. He hit the Van Terminator into a trash can. I was wondering if Styles would call it that. Not only did he not do so, but he said he had never seen that move live before. I would love to hear ECW Joey Styles cut a promo on WWE Joey Styles.

Trish backstage was interviewed and said Torrie suffered a concussion and can’t wrestle at Saturday Night’s Main Event against Candice Michelle and Victoria. Mickie James asked to be her partner and said it would be the last time and then they will go their separate ways. Mickie flashed an evil smile afterwards that the announcers no sold. So it looks like Mickie knocked out Torrie, framed Candice and Victoria, will turn on Trish Saturday, and wrestle her at Mania. I really like that angle, and I hope they don’t drop it or do it differently just because the direction is obvious. Obvious is frequently good in wrestling.

They hyped JBL-Steve Austin for Saturday Night’s Main Event, and Coach delivered his best line ever. He said JBL would take Austin to “school. Beer drinking school, that is.” I would comment on the dean of said school, but I’ve taken enough unwarranted cheap shots this report. Elsewhere, Vince said Jim Ross would commentate at Saturday Night’s Main Event. They didn’t really explain why, but I guess the story is Vince wants him to call Michaels’ humiliation. Shane threatened to leave Ross bloody just like Michaels.

Shelton Benjamin beat Rob Van Dam. This featured a rare moment of me marking out. It came when Benjamin announced Mama wouldn’t be there. He said she was undergoing heart surgery. I cheered. Ric Flair was doing commentary, and Benjamin said he holds Flair responsible. Benjamin and RVD did some chain wrestling Benjamin tripped RVD, and used a scoop slam. RVD hit a kick to the head, a slam, an arm drag and a drop kick. Benjamin came back with a kick and suplex off the tope rope.

Benjamin worked over RVD for a while, before missing a drop kick. RVD came back with clotheslines and kicks. He hit a splash and went for a monkey flip, but Benjamin landed on his feet. RVD hit a windmill kick and a side kick off the top rope to send Benjamin to the floor. He hit a pescado. Benjamin grabbed the title and was going to hit RVD with it, but Flair pulled it away. RVD came from behind but hit Flair, and Benjamin rolled up RVD and grabbed the ropes for the pin. Flair and RVD argued after the match. This match was a disappointment, unfortunately.

Big Show, Kane and John Cena beat Chris Masters, Carlito and Jesus via DQ in a 6 man tag. Show hit chops and a head butt on Carlito to start the match. Kane came in with a big boot and side slam. Carlito went to the eyes and tagged Jesus, but when Cena tagged himself in, Jesus tagged back in Carlito. Cena cleaned house on Cena and Masters, but was distracted and Masters jumped him from behind. Carlito hit a suplex and tagged Masters. Masters hit a suplex and tagged back Carlito, who hit an elbow drop, as well as stomps and punches.

Cena made an abrupt tag to Show, who came in with clotheslines. He hit a power slam on Carlito, and Kane hit a clothesline off the top on Masters and sent him to the outside. Show hit a press slam on Jesus and Show and Kane went for the double choke slam, but Masters and Carlito came in with chairs for a DQ. Cena and Jesus were left in the ring. Cena wanted to fight, and Jesus was getting into the ring when Orton ran in and hit an RKO on Cena to end the show. I like the delayed confrontation angle. It makes the eventual confrontation feel more important.

Final Thoughts:

This show was a real blast. Granted, much of the fun was laughing at the promotion, but oh man were there laughs to be had at their expense this week. It even had some good stuff mixed in with the bewildering incompetence. Bravo!


Blogger DenisGorman said...

The company's a car wreck.

9:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

lol @ Jesus

10:36 PM  
Blogger nevs999 said...

Jesus saves...

me from likely paying to watch WM22.

- Matt in Anchorage

P.S. - I just may be stupid enough to still change my mind.

11:45 PM  
Blogger brian said...

That's a good call about Jesus getting a shiny new belt. I hadn't thought about it but it seems so obvious now that you've mentioned it. It wouldn't surprise me if it was bigger than the old WCW belt as well.

12:26 AM  
Blogger Swain said...

I'm sure the Verne Gagne thing has nothing to do with the impending release of the AWA DVD set. But if nothing else, maybe it will make people reflect on what happens when you push your son/son-in-law despite the obvious lack of interest on the part of the fans. Larry Z, I'm looking at you.

7:54 PM  
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